I don’t need ADT. I just need AD&D. If burglars ever show up, I want more than a motion sensor — I want a monster. Here are the top 10 Monster Manual creatures I’d most want protecting my home sweet castle.
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This Week’s Rediscovered Realms Theme Song:
Lock your doors? Pfft. Better yet, summon ghouls, gargoyles, and hellhounds to guard the halls! “Monster Home Security” is a tongue-in-cheek anthem of nightmare guardians keeping your home safe with claws, fangs, and unholy fury. Equal parts campy horror and metal parody, it asks one question: who dares to enter . . . and live?
Recommended Security Upgrades for the Adventuring Homeowner
Back in the day, we dreamed about finding vorpal swords & magical platemail to keep us safe in the dungeon. Now that I’m older, I’m dreaming about fantasy solutions to modern problems — like who’s going to guard my house from all the crazies out there. Here are the top 10 creatures I’d draft from the Monster Manual for the ultimate home defense.
The wind howls, the torches gutter, and a shadow moves across the lawn. Intruders beware — for on this property, guardians are drawn not from reality, but from the realms of fantasy.
EXTERNAL GUARDIANS
#1 Sphinx - gate security
No one gets in without solving a riddle first — which means intruders will either flee in frustration or be devoured for answering wrong.
⚔️ Downside: pizza delivery might take forever.
#2 Gargoyle - ground surveillance
Silent, stony, and always watching. By day it’s a harmless statue, by night it’s your personal flying security camera with claws.
⚔️ Bonus: They require no feeding, plus you wouldn’t have to hassle with putting up Halloween decorations every year.
#3 Dragon (Small Size) - aerial defense
Yes, a dragon. Not of the Smaug variety - more like the “fit in a one-car garage” variety.
⚔️ Bonus: Perfect for barbecues ⚔️ Disadvantage: Lousy for home insurance.
#4 Water Weird - landscape defense
Looks like an ordinary fountain . . . until the water suddenly rears up and slaps them right back into the street! Elegant landscaping and home defense in one convenient package.
⚔️ Make a wish — and never come back.
#5 Gorgon - lawn defense
Not the mythic half-woman, half-snake — in AD&D 1e it’s a giant, metal-plated bull that breathes petrifying gas. Imagine an army of burglars frozen mid-sneak on your back lawn forever - a sight that would make any White Witch or Frozen queen blue with envy.
⚔️ NOTE: For local ordinances, you would need to post a visible sign that states "Trespassers will be stoned." It won’t keep the hippies away, but it will quickly reduce their population.
#6 Owlbear - threshold (front door) guardian
Not subtle, not polite, but when you want intruders gone, an Owlbear will make sure they’re very gone. Amazon packages will never go missing again. You will also need to purchase special trash cans.
⚔️ Disadvantage: The delivery guy may never return.
Your next piece of fantasy fun is calling.
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INTERNAL GUARDIANS
#7 Gelatinous Cube - hallway trap
Imagine burglars breaking in, then realizing the hallway is one giant sentient Jell-O mold. Just like my mother always said, “There’s always [a] room for Jell-O”
⚔️ Hidden Cost: crates of mops on Amazon bi-weekly auto-renewal.
#8 Mimic - a trap for your valuables
Imagine burglars rifling through your drawers — only to have your armoire bite back. Great deterrent, terrible for IKEA returns.
⚔️ Assembly not required, dismemberment included.
#9 Hell Hound - patrolling guard dog
Hot breath, hotter temper. Think of it as the ultimate guard dog — one that breathes fire. Perfect for pacing the hallways at night, scaring off burglars, and keeping the floors nicely scorched for that “lived-in dungeon” look.
⚔️ Bonus Realization: Who needs central heating?
#10 Succubus - bedroom security
I briefly considered one for bedroom security . . . but my wife vetoed that idea immediately. (She also had strong opinions about Dryads handling the landscaping.)
⚔️ Bottom Line: Some temptations just aren’t worth the trouble, so I’ll only be retaining 9 Monsters for home defense now.
So there you have it — my dream fantasy home security system. Sure, it might mean a few melted mailboxes, missing neighbors, or owlbear-related noise complaints, but hey, can you really put a price on peace of mind?
Until next time, keep your drawbridge raised and your moat well-fed, Watchful Adventurer!
Which fantasy creature would you trust to guard your house?
Would you pick practical protection, or maximum chaos?
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Monster Home Security [Verse] Creeping shadows In the night No escape From their sight Ghouls on patrol Watch them fight Invaders crushed They shall smite! [Prechorus] Stone gargoyles They never sleep Eternal vigil Claws will reap! [Chorus] Monster home security! Guards of nightmare For you and me! Monster home security! Who dares to enter? DIE! [Verse 2] Hellhounds unleashed They start to bark Thieves will die Bones in the dark Vampire's kiss Leaves its mark No escape Extinguished spark [Bridge] Zombie horde At the gate Crushing skulls Seal their fate Uninvited guests in dire straits This house is safe Come take the bait! [Chorus] Monster home security! Guards of nightmare For you and me! Monster home security! Who dares to enter? DIE! [instrumental] DIE!!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!!
you forgot the Trapper, perfect for patios or interior floors
I was thinking a Lurker Above would be a good choice too.